Today is 'World Mental Health Day', an important day for education and awareness of mental health issues. As a carer, PA and a newly inducted student nurse, I thought I would acknowledge the day with a special blog entry. (wanring; it's a longy)
Mental health is an important issue for absolutely all of us. Whether you suffer from poor mental health or work hard to maintain a positive attitude, it's relevant in the lives of each and every human being on the planet. For me, mental health has been some what of a struggle for, all the I can remember, of my life. As a child I had a 'weight problem' (I was big and fat) and as a result I was very unhappy growing up and the subject of bullying in the early years of secondary school. As I moved through school, deciding to take action on my weight problem came with it's own complications. I struggled with anxiety and depression in my late teens and after the loss of my mother a few years ago, I sank into a deep depression.
I could talk for hours about each stage of my life and the challenges I met with regards to mental health, but today I would like to talk about a condition I was diagnosed with at the age of 18 and still fight with today. Anxiety.
There are many forms of anxiety, which is a symptom found in many different conditions. Social anxiety, hypochondria, post-traumatic stress disorder, OCD etc. I, myself, was diagnosed with 'generalised anxiety disorder'. I have always been a shy and nervous person, but having, medically diagnosed, anxiety disorder, is a whole different matter. My feelings of nervousness and worry became remarkably more present, exaggerated and intrusive at that time in my life. My mother was diagnosed with cancer when I was 17 and it was shortly after this, the changes began to appear. I expected myself to change and for my levels of anxiety to increase at such a tough time, so I did not speak to anyone about it and certainly did not seek any medical advice
When I did, and I explained my situation, I was very lucky to have a comforting doctor who explained that he was in no doubt that had an anxiety disorder and that these black outs were the result of severe panic attacks. He explained to me that, while it was understandable, that such things should happen, it was not normal and it could develop into a serious problem if I did not do something about it. He offered to refer me for counselling, which I refused. I have been offered counselling by countless health care professionals more times than I care to think and have never accepted it. This is my issue, probably really stupid and I would just like to state here that I think counselling is a wonderful and powerful tool and no one else reading this should feel embarrassed or scared to take up the opportunity to have it if they get the chance! Anyway, after refusing the counselling he suggested medication, which I also initially refused. However after a patient discussion with my GP, I did agree that it was the best option for me at that time.
My biggest worry was the panic attacks and black outs and this was the main reason I decided to go onto medication. I was spending a lot of hours caring for my mother and it would have been irresponsible of me to risk having an episode while she was in my care. Luckily, panic attacks are rare for me these days, but those of you who have had them will know they are utterly terrifying. People use the term 'panic attack' loosely these days, which kind of takes a bit of the gravity away from the term, but a serious, genuine, panic attack, is crippling. They are different for everyone but have common elements.For me, I honestly, and I'm not being dramatic here, feel like I'm going to die. My mouth dries up, my chest tightens, breathing becomes a struggle, My head feels as though it is under water and I feel completely removed from the time and place I am in. Obviously there is the feeling of immense panic and all these elements combined sometimes lead to me loosing consciousness for a matter of seconds of even minutes, my body just shuts down. One of the most horrible things about panic attacks is once you know you are prone to them, it's another thing to worry about!
My anxiety still effect me every day, though it has certainly calmed down. Living with anxiety is like living in a pressure cooker. I rarely feel relaxed, even in relaxed situations, even if I seem it. One of the biggest struggles is trying to pretend you're not freaking out, every second, of every day. I have gotten fairly good at masking my emotions over the years but some glimmers still come out. For example, as my boyfriend puts it, I am a potterer, I am constantly pottering about and find it very hard to just sit down and chill out, even in my own home. I get moments where I just feel tension build up to the point where I get irritable and on edge if I don't get up and sort out a cupboard or something!
My main source of anxiety that I face day to day is in interactions with other people. If I know I have to make a phone call, even to someone I know, I will plan what day I will the call on and at what time and I will panic about it and think about it, and plan what I might say and what could go wrong, every moment leading up to it. Or if I can't find something in a shop, I will spend so much time walking round and round the store before even considering asking a shop assistant where to find it and to be honest, every time I bottle it and just go home without. Don't even get my started on social occasions. Meeting new people at a party or new job, or a friend bringing a new friend to an occasion is, of course, scary, but I think that most shy people can relate to this, at least a bit. But, for me, just the thought of a spending a few hours watching a film with perhaps even my closest friends is so daunting. I feel so tense and scared and am constantly bombarded with thoughts that perhaps they all actually hate me and wish they didn't have to see me or wish, just a little bit, that I would save them all the hassle and die. A ridiculous notion of course, but these intrusive thoughts, in the moment are very real and very unpleasant.
These are just a handful of problems that come with anxiety. I share all this with you, because, for me, getting a diagnosis was a blessing and if reading this could trigger, just one person, to go and see there GP, I would be a happy bunny. The diagnosis was a positive thing for me because, firstly and most importantly, I understood myself a little more. I was able to research my disorder and read all about it. I came across so many common symptoms that I had myself; being on edge, tiring easily, trouble sleeping, tension, going for a wee every 5 minutes, silly things maybe but I wasn't the only one. People had these symptoms and people had all of them, together. I could group them into a little box with anxiety written on top and go, that's why and it's okay. Also there is, of course, access to treatment. I chose to go on medication and I also chose to come off of it after a year or so. For me, this was the right choice, it helped control my symptoms at a time where I had no time and no break in pressure to work on easing them myself.
If you know someone with any form of anxiety, please be understanding, please know that if they cancel plans, or can't bring themselves to participate in something that you think will 'be a laugh', they are fighting a battle and they need your patience and support, not disapproval and hostility.
I was inspired to write this, after someone I know posted a facebook status, opening stating his troubles with anxiety. I admired his strength to admit this on such a public forum. His page was filled with not only supportive messages and comments but with countless people admitting to going through a lot of the same stuff. It was so lovely to see people come together and support each other and make each other feel normal and safe. Be kind to each other folks.
Holly X
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