All the gear and no idea

We got our uniforms today!! Finally!! 3 weeks later than we were supposed to have them but even so it's so exciting. I tried mine on as soon as I got home. It horribly unflattering and baggy but it looks the biz. Was so nice to put it on, along with my badge, hospital ID and little upside down watch (I don't even know what it's called!). I took a photo of me in it and sent it to my grandad and dad who were both pleased to see it.

Having the clobber makes it all ever more real, I didn't tell anyone that I had got into University for so long as I just didn't really believe it would happen, I was always waiting for something to go wrong along the way that would stop me being able to train as a nurse, but it's properly happening and I could not be happier.

We've started getting into the hard stuff now, actually learning things in lectures and having to study before and after lectures and make tones of notes, scary stuff but it's all so interesting. I am really worried about the biology, physiology and anatomy side of things - which is a huge chunk of stuff! To be honest, when I applied, I didn't think I would get in as they asked you to have at least A level in one of the sciences and I don't, I only even got C in science at GCSE, it was literally my worst subject! There are some people on my degree who already have degrees in biology or some kind of science and they know all the answers in lectures and I'm just sitting there like... what's a capillary ? .. Very troubling, but at least I know that is my area of weakness and I can work on it.

Rant about students not listening in class!

Well it's time to get down to business. Last week was our first week of actual lectures and training rather than all the bullshit induction we'd had the previous 2 weeks.

So far most lectures have been really interesting. I am finding it tough to keep my brain engaged all day though, I must say. It is obviously a skill I will have to retrain my brain into. Our lectures last 2 solid hours at  time on one subject which long considering they were 50 minutes when I did my music degree. I also get very restless and achy, just physically during this time so going to have to make sure I do lots of exercise and stretchy to keep myself in good physical health.

Something else I CANNOT deal with is people talking during lectures. I have encountered a lot of it this week and it's driving me potty! I am honestly a fairly tolerant person and I can deal with the odd 'what did she say?' or 'dam she's going too fast what was the end of that last quote?' etc. But people just blatantly chatting about their weekends and how bored they are or giggling at minor mistakes, taking the piss out of other students when they put their hand up and speak - that shit is NOT COOL. Firstly, grow the fuck up! You chose to come hear and you are supposed to be interested in the course content, if you aren't, Go. Home. Why disrupt the lecture when it's full of adults trying to learn and engage, you could be in a pub pissing about if that's all you manage to do in life, it is your choice, no one is forcing you to be here! Secondly, don't be rude to fellow students, it's a really tough course and a hard job when we are qualified, we should all be helping each other, let's leave the school yard bitching at school gate. Also it is just plain disrespectful to the lecturers. When we were at school, I know it felt like teachers weren't people but surely as full grow adults we know they are just humans too, doing a job, talking about something they are passionate about and care about and have years of valid experience in. They are offering a wealth of knowledge and really want to help us and yet you disrespect them by talking over them or laughing, they are actual people, it does put them off, it probably does hurt them a little if people aren't paying attention and mostly it no doubt pisses them off and makes them question why they are here and bothering which effects negatively on their teaching which then effects ME! Someone who has huge respect for these individuals and wants to absorb everything they have to offer.

I knew when starting this course that possibly the younger, classic 'students' were going to annoy me but I didn't consider that they would effect MY education. I may have to turn into an enemy and just ask them to shut the fuck up if this continues, I already sit at the front on my own so I can concentrate better, I may as well being an old crazy geek,

Peace out ya'll

World Mental Health Day - Anxiety

Today is 'World Mental Health Day', an important day for education and awareness of mental health issues. As a carer, PA and a newly inducted student nurse, I thought I would acknowledge the day with a special blog entry. (wanring; it's a longy)

Mental health is an important issue for absolutely all of us. Whether you suffer from poor mental health or work hard to maintain a positive attitude, it's relevant in the lives of each and every human being on the planet. For me, mental health has been some what of a struggle for, all the I can remember, of my life. As a child I had a 'weight problem' (I was big and fat) and as a result I was very unhappy growing up and the subject of bullying in the early years of secondary school. As I moved through school, deciding to take action on my weight problem came with it's own complications. I struggled with anxiety and depression in my late teens and after the loss of my mother a few years ago, I sank into a deep depression.

I could talk for hours about each stage of my life and the challenges I met with regards to mental health, but today I would like to talk about a condition I was diagnosed with at the age of 18 and still fight with today. Anxiety. 

There are many forms of anxiety, which is a symptom found in many different conditions. Social anxiety, hypochondria, post-traumatic stress disorder, OCD etc. I, myself, was diagnosed with 'generalised anxiety disorder'. I have always been a shy and nervous person, but having, medically diagnosed, anxiety disorder, is a whole different matter. My feelings of nervousness and worry became remarkably more present, exaggerated and intrusive at that time in my life. My mother was diagnosed with cancer when I was 17 and it was shortly after this, the changes began to appear. I expected myself to change and for my levels of anxiety to increase at such a tough time, so I did not speak to anyone about it and certainly did not seek any medical advice

However, real trouble came when I started to have, fairly regular, black outs.  Me and my family were dealing with a hell of a lot, at that time, and I did not want to add to that. Also, me essentially fainting because I 'felt all scared and nervous' seemed pretty insignificant and quite frankly, embarrassing. So even then, it took me to have one of these episodes in front of a class room full of people, before I actually went to the doctors. 

When I did, and I explained my situation, I was very lucky to have a comforting doctor who explained that he was in no doubt that  had an anxiety disorder and that these black outs were the result of severe panic attacks. He explained to me that, while it was understandable, that such things should happen, it was not normal and it could develop into a serious problem if I did not do something about it. He offered to refer me for counselling, which I refused. I have been offered counselling by countless health care professionals more times than I care to think and have never accepted it. This is my issue, probably really stupid and I would just like to state here that I think counselling is a wonderful and powerful tool and no one else reading this should feel embarrassed or scared to take up the opportunity to have it if they get the chance! Anyway, after refusing the counselling he suggested medication, which I also initially refused.  However after a patient discussion with my GP, I did agree that it was the best option for me at that time. 

My biggest worry was the panic attacks and black outs and this was the main reason I decided to go onto medication. I was spending a lot of hours caring for my mother and it would have been irresponsible of me to risk having an episode while she was in my care. Luckily, panic attacks are rare for me these days, but those of you who have had them will know they are utterly terrifying. People use the term 'panic attack' loosely these days, which kind of takes a bit of the gravity away from the term, but a serious, genuine, panic attack, is crippling. They are different for everyone but have common elements.For me, I honestly, and I'm not being dramatic here, feel like I'm going to die. My mouth dries up, my chest tightens, breathing becomes a struggle, My head feels as though it is under water and I feel completely removed from the time and place I am in. Obviously there is the feeling of immense panic and all these elements combined sometimes lead to me loosing consciousness for a matter of seconds of even minutes, my body just shuts down. One of the most horrible things about panic attacks is once you know you are prone to them, it's another thing to worry about!

My anxiety still effect me every day, though it has certainly calmed down. Living with anxiety is like living in a pressure cooker. I rarely feel relaxed, even in relaxed situations, even if I seem it. One of the biggest struggles is trying to pretend you're not freaking out, every second, of every day. I have gotten fairly good at masking my emotions over the years but some glimmers still come out. For example, as my boyfriend puts it, I am a potterer, I am constantly pottering about and find it very hard to just sit down and chill out, even in my own home. I get moments where I just feel tension build up to the point where I get irritable and on edge if I don't get up and sort out a cupboard or something!

My main source of anxiety that I face day to day is in interactions with other people. If I know I have to make a phone call, even to someone I know, I will plan what day I will the call on and at what time and I will panic about it and think about it, and plan what I might say and what could go wrong, every moment leading up to it. Or if I can't find something in a shop, I will spend so much time walking round and round the store before even considering asking a shop assistant where to find it and to be honest, every time I bottle it and just go home without. Don't even get my started on social occasions. Meeting new people at a party or new job, or a friend bringing a new friend to an occasion is, of course, scary, but I think that most shy people can relate to this, at least a bit. But, for me, just the thought of a spending a few hours watching a film with perhaps even my closest friends is so daunting. I feel so tense and scared and am constantly bombarded with thoughts that perhaps they all actually hate me and wish they didn't have to see me or wish, just a little bit, that I would save them all the hassle and die. A ridiculous notion of course, but these intrusive thoughts, in the moment are very real and very unpleasant.

These are just a handful of problems that come with anxiety. I share all this with you, because, for me, getting a diagnosis was a blessing and if reading this could trigger, just one person, to go and see there GP, I would be a happy bunny. The diagnosis was a positive thing for me because, firstly and most importantly, I understood myself a little more. I was able to research my disorder and read all about it. I came across so many common symptoms that I had myself; being on edge, tiring easily, trouble sleeping, tension, going for a wee every 5 minutes, silly things maybe but I wasn't the only one. People had these symptoms and people had all of them, together. I could group them into a little box with anxiety written on top and go, that's why and it's okay. Also there is, of course, access to treatment. I chose to go on medication and I also chose to come off of it after a year or so. For me, this was the right choice, it helped control my symptoms at a time where I had no time and no break in pressure to work on easing them myself.

If you know someone with any form of anxiety, please be understanding, please know that if they cancel plans, or can't bring themselves to participate in something that you think will 'be a laugh', they are fighting a battle and they need your patience and support, not disapproval and hostility.

I was inspired to write this, after someone I know posted a facebook status, opening stating his troubles with anxiety. I admired his strength to admit this on such a public forum. His page was filled with not only supportive messages and comments but with countless people admitting to going through a lot of the same stuff. It was so lovely to see people come together and support each other and make each other feel normal and safe. Be kind to each other folks. 

Holly X

Links: 

https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/pages/mental-health-helplines.aspx

http://www.nopanic.org.uk/

First Week - Induction Week

Well it's the end of my first week at uni and time for the first proper blog. Overall it's been pretty good. The first 2 weeks are your induction period so no actual lectures or training or anything particularly course related. For me, it's been some what boring, I've done the whole uni thing before so I kind of know what to expect with all this stuff and don't really need to be told half of what they harp on about and basically know the answers to all the questions that any of my fellow freshers ask, which gets ever so slightly irritating. However there have been some interesting talks, exciting bits and nice people.

First day was a lot of sitting around and listening. It was good to be introduced to the head of year, head of school, head of god knows what else, and for the most part, the staff seem pretty friendly and certainly great representatives of the field.

The second day was our actual enrolment where we were put onto the system and MOST of us received our library cards/students ID's. Mine, of course, was one of the ones that did not get printed off for some reason and so has now been requested and should be ready for me to pick up 'some time soon'. We also had,on this day, our 'international perspectives' talk which was kind of... depressingly awesome. The programmes available to do student nursing in other countries in our second year look incredible, especially the programmes which involve travelling to the most beautiful corners of the world and actually making a difference by lending a hang in countries a lot less developed than good old England. We had to sit through this amazing talk, video and slideshow and then of course the end was the big reveal... prices start at £990 for 2 weeks. Great. I can absolutely afford that on my £450 a month NHS bursary. 

HOWEVER we also had uniform fittings in the afternoon which was so nice. It sounds really childish but getting dressed up in the uniform really made it feel real and important. Just wish we could have taken them home but they have to order them in for us, so we get them in a few weeks. Also – funny thing- The uniform fitting works as such, a woman asks you to stand in front of her, then she picks some clothes off the rail and tells you to try them on and them order your uniform. The odd thing was she must have been correct in her size assumptions for like 95% of the people in that room, including me! I felt a bit like a piece of meat, mind.

Wednesday was our trust induction in Haywards Heath (about a 30/40 minute drive from Brighton), luckily for me, at the moment, I have the luxury of a car and so it was a lot easier for me to get there than it was for some. We had talks from some of the staff working at the hospital who were all really down to earth and encouraging. We also had SURPRISE PHOTOS for our staff ID badges. Not expecting said photos, I turned up with no make-up, unbrushed hair and wearing a batman t-shirt so that's going to be a fantastic photograph. 

Thursday – Freshers Fayre. Did not go, don't group myself in with Freshers.

Friday was a fairly pointless session of showing us around 'Student Central', the universities intranet with student info on.

So that was my first week! It was quite tiring because there was a lot of trying to keep my brain on the subject when people were just talking at me for hours on end about things I sort of half know, half don't care about. I also had work on 2 of the evenings which meant uni 9am-4pm, get home, shove food in my face, leave for work 6pm-10pm, come home and go to sleep -which was quite hectic. Saying that it was perfectly do able, which is good as I will have to work as many hours as possible to fund myself through the duration of the course – as I assume, most people will.

One of my biggest fears about induction week was the meeting and greeting of all the new people. I have medically diagnosed anxiety disorder and I find meeting new people really terrifying as well as being in large groups so it was pretty nerve racking for me. I'd love to say all my fears melted away and I was put at ease by all the lovely students, but it was, just as scary, as I had thought it would be. I did speak to a few people, and to be fair they seemed lovely and I even spent my breaks with a couple of girls, my age, who I hope I bump into again.

On the whole, everything so far has had a really positive vibe. It's hard to explain but I just get a real fire in my belly when they talk about starting placements and even sitting through boring talks and waiting about, I just feel good, it all feels really right and I haven't felt like that about anything new in a really, really long time. So I can't wait to start my journey properly and eagerly await our first proper week of lectures and training!  

Introduction

Hello! I thought I would do, a very short, introductory blog to start off; to introduce to you both my self, and the idea of the blog.

Let's start with ME! I'm Holly, I'm 24 years old and am just at the very start of a 3 year long degree in Adult Nursing at Brighton University. I am probably not your average student, firstly being all old and that (come my next birthday in December I will officially be a mature student), secondly being settled in a rented flat with my long term boyfriend, Steve, and our cat, Floyd. I will not being attending a single 'freshers' event and I'm not really expecting to engage in the social side of being a student to be honest. I am going to have to work my arse off with regards to the course but also outside of uni to make ends meet. Getting a shite bursary that barely covers rent and having the responsibility of a cat makes earning dosh in my spare time, vital!

I grew up in Essex and moved to Brighton in 2008 to do a music diploma and never left! I have worked in care for just over 2 years, working mainly with people with complex disabilities. It was caring for my mother through her battle with cancer that compelled me to work in the care sector and seeing the fantastic job all the nurses did made me want to pursue a career in nursing.

The purpose of this blog, in all honesty, is mostly for me. I am hoping it with be quite therapeutic for me to keep a record of my thoughts and feeling through this journey and I also think it could be a useful tool when it comes to writing reflective essays! It would be great if this could become a blog for other student nurses or potential student nurses to read and find comfort in but if even one other student nurse reads this blog and finds it helpful I would be pleased as punch :)

So there we have it, that's me and that's the blog. Let's do this shit!